The Girl in the Dirty Shirt

You Can Tell It's Been A Long Day

Sunday, July 30, 2006

It’s been a year since the workshop. A lot has happened since then, most of which I’m ridiculously grateful for. I can’t bring myself to list all of the things I’ve gained, though. For one, there are too many, each one too complex to describe in some measly blog entry and on very little energy. For another, I’m still not sure what all of this really means to me, especially since I’m in a vulnerable state right now. Before the workshop, I was trapped in a very bad bubble—my big dream to be a kickass filmmaker fizzled out, I was so scared that I chose the wrong school, I was beginning to think that my writing was all for naught, etc. After the workshop, all of that changed for the better. For the first time in two years, I felt like I was going somewhere, and I was. I was brought very, very far, and I’m so glad that I was dug out of the shithole I was in. It’s incredible how different things are now. My will to write isn’t clouded over by any juvenile crises any longer. I’m so sure of what I want, and it’s something that goes way beyond the stupid things that used to consume me, like being on good terms with the ghosts from my high school (a school that fucked me up royally, in retrospect, but that’s for another entry).

Now that I know where I want to go, though, things have gotten scarier. I know what I want, and I know that I’m working very hard to get it. I’m dead certain of that. I’m doing the best that I can, and for the right reasons now. But again, things have gotten scarier. I am so certain of what I have to do, but at the same time, I am terrified. There are many things beyond my control, and the only thing I can do is to keep going, to keep on thinking that my passion is sustaining something concrete. I just hope that this is enough. I want to reach that good place. More than anything. I will leave it at that.

posted by marguerite @ 1:31 AM