Istap It
Saturday, June 09, 2007
The 7th Ateneo National Writer’s Workshop: Call for Submissions, Baybeh
+++
Earlier today, I started to fear that I had reverted to the sad sap of a state I was in when I was a college sophomore—a life vacuumed of worth, days consisting mostly of pondering over what very, very little I thought I had.
But I have to remember that, compared to three years ago, I am in a much better place. I have proven myself to be a capable person since then, in many respects. And there is no possible way I can go back to that time when crying in bed hysterically from feeling so immobile was my way of filling out the days. I have made myself concrete since. Others know I exist and, in a few incredible instances, have valued that fact. I have to remember that, because the only option is to continue the good that I’ve started, and to be certain that I am not as alone as I was.
+++
When they say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die, I realized that the term “flash” may not necessarily mean that split-second montage that films have accustomed us to believe. Maybe the moment is stretched out much, much longer, and the patches of your past emerge between longer intervals of normalcy. Technically, your life still flashes before your eyes that way, and it still is “right before you die,” if you have a slightly more generous perception of time.
I got the idea this evening as I was walking down EDSA Central. In the 15 minutes it took me to get to the MRT, aural and visual reminders of the past two decades surfaced. A song. A friend’s car. A familiar snippet of conversation. My father (yes, we walked past each other in the hallway, and he stared all the while, incredulous). Another song. A T-shirt design. A toy. A fast food meal. Another song.
It was an uncanny series. I know everything reminds us of everything, but this evening’s little slideshow was a tad too menacing for me, a bit too comprehensive for such short a time. But the reminders did sputter out by the time I got to the station, and I would like to think that I’m still part of the living. It was just a thought.
posted by marguerite @ 1:49 AM
|
