A Cookie
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Taken by Cousin Whammy during our field day at the Ajax ruins. Note how his photographic prowess is indirectly proportional to that of my modeling skills.
Now, it shall complement my entry with all the best pretensions a moody, badly-posed, pa-Goth photograph can offer...
Around 1 this morning, I was in the middle of a YM conversation with a friend (who insisted on the oh-so-odious handle of "Jheremee" for the purpose of this entry) and, as most YM conversations past midnight penetrate the dank, self-indulgent, and altogether hokey regions of our being, the following words were exchanged--
Milkmaid: question: do you get panic attacks sometimes about dying? like when you're reading a story about death, and it suddenly hits you that you're going to die one day, and you suddenly feel claustrophobic and scared shitless?
Jheremee: hahaha
Jheremee: hmm
Milkmaid: shit ako lang ba to?
Jheremee: more of, parang existentialist thingy lang sa akin.
Jheremee: mas tangina isang araw mawawala ako tapos mawawala lanat ng nakaalala sa akin tas walang makakakita ng kahit anong bakas na naiwan ko at potah so bakit pa ako nabubuhay?!
Jheremee: pero scared, di naman. mas takot ako sa multo.
Milkmaid: well, i get that, too. but the more primal fear is what gets to me more often.
Milkmaid: and i start looking for my mommy.
Jheremee: awww.
Milkmaid: as in bata pa ako ganun na ako. id be sitting alone at any given time tapos magpapanic attack na lang ako.
Milkmaid: shit
Jheremee: because of the thought of dying?
Jheremee: maaga ka bang nakaexperience ng kamatayan?
Milkmaid: yeah. the thought that one day, i will no longer be conscious. as in TAPOS.
Jheremee: i mean, sa family ganun?
Jheremee: at di ka napukpukan ng religious shit dati?
Milkmaid: im not sure. i remember going to a funeral or two when i was young, pero parang walang impact naman sa akin.
Jheremee: kasi its a security blanket, a necessary one, i think, the religion thing when you're young.
Jheremee: how's a 10 year old to handle the thought that someday basta tapos na?
Milkmaid: i was bombarded with religious shit from my grandparents. siguro yun.
Jheremee: pag may god, anchor yun, e. okey lang pupunta naman ako sa heaven
Jheremee: or hell.
Jheremee: basta di pa tapos.
Jheremee: so you simply didnt believe them?
Milkmaid: dati, i used to fear hell. bata pa lang ako, i was certain i was going there. tapos suddenly nag-shift to: e ano kung walang hell? ano kung wala, tapos, nothing, you won't be conscious anymore? gademmet.
Jheremee: hmm. i guess panay negative reinforcement ang nangyari sa iyo--
Jheremee: pupunta ka sa hell pag gumawa ka ng bad,
Jheremee: tas kulang sa sabing,
Jheremee: pupunta ka sa heaven pag good ka?
Milkmaid: probably. i mean, my grandmother used to kneel before me, grasp at the edge of my shirt, wield a rosary, and go, "oh god! oh god! margie! ba't ka ganyan! oh please god forgive her!"
Milkmaid: i remember her doing that when i was around 8. the last time she did that, i was 20.
Jheremee: wow.
Jheremee: trippy shit, marge.
Milkmaid: well, um, yun.
Milkmaid: guess that answers my question.
+++
I had that exact panic attack a couple of days ago, one of many various blips of distress felt in the past week. The best I can make of it is that I am lonely. Aside from these online exchanges and the rare hour or two with a friend in the flesh, the most warmth I've received recently was from the staff of the coffee place I frequent. They know my name now, as I always hole myself up in their establishment to read and to drool.
This afternoon, I retreated to this coffee place after one long drift around Ortigas. One staff member suggested that I eat. I bought a cookie. It was delicious.
Oh, capitalism. Your faith in me never wavers.
posted by marguerite @ 1:39 AM
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